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2012-2013 Regular Season: Clawed In King
County
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September 21, 2012
At 9:40 PM CST
By Eric M. Scharf
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- The Dallas Cowboys begin their
season in fine fashion – finishing off the surprisingly gentle
Giants and heading to Seattle . . . allegedly with the same passion.
Cowboys Nation wanted to believe “America’s Team” had turned the
page on coming up small in big games – no matter the names on the
roster . . . and finally rediscovering that faded winning attitude
that 16 years of churn has always claimed to foster.
While fans knew they were being set up for potential disappointment,
they had certainly earned the right to at least hope for consecutive
weeks of enjoyment.
Spinning Again
It took just one play – the very first of the game at the Clink – to
send the Cowboys and their fans looking for a mind-numbing stiff
drink.
Felix “Not So Cat Quick” Jones could not manage to hold onto the
football during his return – subjecting fans and teammates to a
familiar digestive burn.
Jones – to be completely fair in the finger-pointing glare – was but
the first of many Cowboys to expose fans to a fun-filled afternoon
of groans.
Everyone in the NFL Universe knew the Seahawks contest was a trap
game. The Cowboys knew it, too, but they chose to show up lame.
Dallas got its manhood kicked in the dirt as Seattle applied the
hurt. Seattle looked like the bully, and Dallas looked like the
squirt.
It must have felt like they were targeted for a bounty, because the
Cowboys were clawed in King County.
The broken record – that had consumed the Dallas Cowboys and their
fans for 16 years – had been on vacation for but one week. The
broken record is spinning again, and Cowboys Nation is trying not to
freak . . . after being tricked into thinking America’s Team had
applied the right off-season tweak.
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- The previous edition of The Tortured Cowboys Fan reminded everyone
the Cowboys had simply won the first game of a 16 game regular
season. America’s Team had yet to provide any consistent or reliable
proof to counter the potential for years of pent up fan treason.
The Dallas Cowboys organization – from headman Jerry to excited
interns so merry – knows that fans have felt like Phil Connors in
“Groundhog Day” . . . and still found a way to avoid deserved
revolt. Everyone – from curious to critical to clearly caring – are
now forced to wait and see if the Cowboys are back to their old form
of “different day, same result.”
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- Fans – most of them – have been around the block enough times to
understand the “Northwest Wipeout” was but one game of many to come.
Still – fans are encouraged by human nature to be discouraged with
the Cowboys’ latest failure to control their rate of dumb.
The broken record is spinning again, and only the Cowboys are
empowered to discover their boon or continue with their bane.
A Reason
There is a popular series of children’s books written by Laura Joffe
Numeroff. These books are a fun and simple way to clue reasonably
well-adjusted kids into the numerous “if-then” statements of life.
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- “If you stick your hand into the spinning blades of a functioning
high speed blender, you will cease to have two hands (unless you
lost your other hand in a similarly mindless accident).”
If-then statements are also a great way to get NFL teams to perform
to their potential . . . without clutter from the existential. The
performances from this past weekend displayed plenty of reasons a
good if-then statement would prevent the resultant dead end.
Fans know all about the inconsistent quality of play that plagues
more than half of the parody-driven NFL.
Fans know all about how some of the inconsistent players behind that
inconsistent quality of play – expect accurate passes to be
self-thrown and self-guiding, pass routes to be self-run, receptions
to be self-caught, running lanes to be self-opening, rushes to be
armed with AFS (Anti Fumble System), pass protection to be just like
paddy cake, tackles to be self-wrapping (with a pretty red bow on
top), turnovers to be naturally occurring (like sunshine), and
special teams to be so special that participants simply need to
sprinkle pixie dust on each other and – SHAZAM – the returner
enjoys ready-made running lanes and the punter is perfectly protected . . .
on any given Sunday.
While it is clear that some of these players simply cannot be
helped, there has always been a direct correlation between
officiating (by either the real McCoy’s or their replacement toys)
and player execution of a given play call . . . each with equal
opportunity to drive everyone up the wall.
The Tortured Cowboys Fan understands the majority of coaches and
players will never (EVER) be perfect(ly respectful of what they can
and cannot get away with between the hash marks) . . . but
attempting to be more efficient will encourage referees to be less
astringent.
It is for this reason alone The Tortured Cowboys Fans is pleased to
announce the next book in Ms. Numeroff’s “If-Then” series, entitled
“If You Give A Ref A Reason.”
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- “If You Give A Ref A Reason, He’s Going To Throw A Flag."
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- "If The Ref Throws A Flag, Your Team Will
Be Penalized."
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- "If Your Team Is Penalized, You
May Lose Yardage, A Down, Or -
GASP - A Game-tying Score!”
The solution to what ails referees – both “real” and replacement –
is so incredibly obvious, fans can become physically ill seeing so
many in the NFL so oblivious.
The NFL ending the lockout, grandfathering the current NFLRA members
into the existing guaranteed pension, and agreeing to give any new
NFLRA members a market-driven pension – is simply not going to
happen (unless Goodell is fooling all) . . . so fans can simply drop
their apprehension.
The NFL is not going to budge until the replacements are given a
grand opportunity – by the players – to truly destroy the outcome of
a game . . . and come under super intense scrutiny.
No one likes having to clean up bad habits but – in this case – it
is the best, most immediate way to prevent the bad calls of
replacement refs from proliferating like rabbits.
As your mother might say, “You have to eat your veggies in order to
grow up big and strong.”
As fans might say, “You have to clean up your play execution in
order to keep ANY refs from doing you wrong.”
As Bill Parcells might say, “It is what it is” – but until the
Cowboys (among others) prove they are making every reasonable effort
towards grid iron efficiency . . . the theory of them having already
hit their ceiling is merely a bunch of fizz.
“If You Give A Ref A Reason, he’s going to ruin your season.”
From Bonehead To Brilliant?
The Tortured Cowboys Fan watched the Thursday night “nail biter”
between the New York Giants and the Carolina Kittens. No matter the
level of disdain fans may have for “Major Bonehead,” err, Martellus
Bennett, it is clear that over the first three games of the season .
. . he has looked reasonably brilliant.
While Bennett has a history of letting his teammates down at the
most inopportune times, the Giants cannot yet accuse him of such
crimes. At this rate, his positive play may keep his fate a mystery
until late (in the season).
Did Kevin Gilbride – the Giants’ offensive coordinator – simply his
playbook for Bennett . . . or was the playbook already simple enough
for “MartyB” to confidently say, “I’m it it?”
Does Eli “I’m Not Eeyore” Manning call simple plays in the huddle to
keep MartyB from getting stuck in a mental puddle?
Has MartyB simply and suddenly matured into someone who no longer
wishes to resemble a draft pick turd?
Did marriage and the responsibility of a child signal that it was no
longer acceptable for Bennett to be wild?
Is MartyB out to prove to everyone that he is no longer Marty
Butterfingers from his lousy Dallas memory that still lingers?
Was Bennett so thrilled to get a chance to start – for a Super Bowl
champion no less – than continue being relegated to not much more
than a part-time bench fart?
The answer may be all or none of these things, but it is clear that
Bennett is currently playing like Red Bull: “It gives your career
wings!”
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- He went from a competent blocker with hands of stone in Dallas . . .
to a well-rounded player in New York, so miraculous.
That said, Bennett may have gone from bad to glad, but it may still
be a short-term fad. No objective NFL fan will believe a simple
change of scenery has resulted in such an improvement of mental
greenery.
Until Bennett comes back down to Earth – if ever – of negative
comments, there will be no dearth.
Jerry Jones has the well-worn stones to deal with the heat – for not
resigning a tight end most incomplete – for as long as Bennett
manages to successfully compete.
If there is an indictment that might stick, however, it would be of
John Garrett’s ability to get at least one of his younger tight ends
to mentally click . . . and indirectly of Jason Garrett’s ability to
spot this problem earlier and ask his brother to try a new trick.
Fans – naturally – would like to believe the Garrett’s set aside the
stick and gave Bennett the chance to collect many a golden carrot .
. . but until MartyB begins to falter in his desire to be part of
the Giants’ championship alter, John and Jason are going to hear all
about it.
Even more irritating to fans will be if Bennett’s post-Cowboys
blossoming is the only way in which Dez Bryant may finally breakout
from his performance drought.
WANT TO
The entire Dallas Cowboys organization is already on notice just two
games into the latest NFL season . . . and fans – sadly – are used
to the reason. No one player is being spared from the gaze of –
depending on your perspective – the fans’ craze or malaise.
The Tortured Cowboys Fan has discussed this in the past . . . and
believes the team absolutely knows what to fix – creative play
calling, mental toughness, and physical follow-through – with
additional chores just for kicks. This team’s history, however,
leaves the amount of WANT TO a complete mystery.
When the Cowboys receive a different result than expected, do the
coaches and players really WANT TO stubbornly stay the course . . .
or creatively adjust?
When the Cowboys receive an expected result, do the coaches and
players really WANT TO stubbornly stand pat . . . or remain on the
attack and creatively take advantage of their good fortune?
When the Cowboys are faced with an opponent they know they should
beat on paper, do the coaches and players really WANT TO accept it
as fact . . . or do they want to provide physical proof of what has
been printed?
When the Cowboys are faced with a special teams scenario that – from
all appearances – requires nothing special, do the coaches and
players really WANT TO accept nothing special . . . or do they line
up with max protection for their punter – until the entire special
teams unit can prove they know their assignments front-to-back?
When the Cowboys have a middle linebacker who leads the team and the
NFL in tackles, do the coaches and players really WANT TO accept
this as a fine team effort . . . or do they make adjustments to get
(Read FORCE) the other 10 defenders to become just a bit more
involved?
When the Cowboys are faced with playing a game without one or more
of their starters, do the coaches and players really WANT TO simply
shrug and accept whatever mediocre performance they can get out of
their bench players . . . or do they make adjustments so that their
backups look nearly as good as those on the New York Giants who
surprisingly pounded the Panthers?
After being clobbered in the Clink with everything and the kitchen
sink, fans would think America’s Team would do anything to avoid
attracting a stronger stink.
Fans would think the Cowboys would do anything to avoid spending
even one more second in their starring role in the sequel to
"IDIOCRACY," entitled “STUPIDARITY.”
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- Fans – unfortunately – can only think about what was, what is, and
what may be, and if they “can’t stands it no more” . . . they can
always flee.
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- Only the Dallas Cowboys know if they really WANT TO, how much they
really WANT TO, and if they WANT TO on a regular basis.
Fans continue to hold out hope that America’s Team really does WANT
TO . . . while opponents grow in confidence they will be able to
hang a sign around Dallas’ neck that reads “SUCKS TO BE YOU.”
Enabled By Sabol
What can be said about Steve Sabol that has not already been said by
almost everyone ever associated with the NFL?
Without Steve and his father Ed, the NFL – as we know it today –
might have never quite gotten ahead.
The immortal Tex Schramm was a marketing genius with a magnificent
football mind – but the Dallas Cowboys might never have developed
their once famous mystique . . . without the magic of NFL Films to
make their back story elements come together nicely, as feature film
complete.
While The Tortured Cowboys Fan is not a big fan of the Raidas’, Al
Davis’ team adopted as their theme song “The Autumn Wind” – written
by Steve Sabol and spoken so brilliantly by John Facenda, the
narrator.
To see the associated film – one of many Sabol masterpieces – is to
be transported to another realm. It will send a chill up your spine
every single time.
The Autumn wind is a pirate
Blustering in from sea
With a rollicking song he sweeps along
Swaggering boisterously.
His face is weatherbeaten
He wears a hooded sash
With a silver hat about his head
And a bristling black mustache
He growls as he storms the country
A villain big and bold
And the trees all shake and quiver and quake
As he robs them of their gold.
The Autumn wind is a Raider
Pillaging just for fun
He'll knock you 'round and upside down
And laugh when he's conquered and won.
Will They Or Won’t They?
The brutal Bucs are on their way, and they would love nothing more
than to ruin the Cowboys’ homecoming day.
Their new head coach – Greg Schiano – should seem familiar to
Cowboys Nation, because he has a bit of Jimmy Johnson in him . . .
willing to send particularly poor performers on immediate vacation.
While Greg Schiano’s story – from Rutgers to Tampa – is one to
admire, the Cowboys would do well to simply show up on Sunday with
some uncommon fire. Such an effort really should be a regular on
game day, rather than a miraculous show of strength for which fans
are forced to pray.
Will the Dallas Cowboys’ coaches and players put on a perfunctory
performance against some posturing pirates . . . or is America’s
Team going to bring full-blooded best practices against the Bay area
Bucs?
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- When the going inevitably gets tough – again and again – will the
Cowboys get going, kicking it into a higher gear . . . or will they
cough up commitment and consistency like a cat coughs up hairballs?
The Cowboys can do it . . . but do
they WANT TO? And even if they really WANT TO, the Cowboys seem far
more comfortable with the idea of losing to Schiano the pirate and
making Cowboys Nation even more irate.
Will the Cowboys blow another
opportunity to stop being so maddeningly dense and use more common
sense?
Will the Cowboys start to self-enable just like so many
mystique-enhancing fables of Sabol?
We shall see. We always do.
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