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2019-2020 Offseason:
Major League
Boloney Part 1: A Failure Of Imagination
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June 21, 2020 At
9:27 PM CST
By Eric M. Scharf-
- While “The Tortured Cowboys Fan”
primarily writes about the Dallas Cowboys – “America’s Team” – there
is always (and often keen) interest in generating stories about many
an alternative theme.
The passing of former NBA great and Los Angeles Lakers’ star Kobe
Bryant was the most recent detour, and a certain Major League
Baseball team has become another sujet de jour. Yes, this MLB
missive is late to the game due to far more important, ongoing
challenges (simultaneously global, cultural, and viral) to be sure.
The Houston Astros – from the very same state of Texas – happily
found themselves on the reverse end of the Cowboys’ performance
hexes. They had steadily improved every year since switching from
the National League Central division to the American League West.
They won the 2017 World Series, reached the World Series in two out
of the past three years, and had proven themselves to be among the
very best (or so everyone believed . . . until confessions confirmed
what the Astros had unforgivably thieved).
The Astros had been stealing signs against their opponents as far
back a 2017 (from the regular season to playoffs) leaving the
baseball purists within and beyond their fan base feeling mighty
unclean.
The Astros’ scouts used cameras (behind the dugout at Minute Maid
Park) to simultaneously watch the signs of opposing catchers,
decipher those signs, and then signal “unnamed players, err,
participants” in the dugout to loudly bang a trash can or whistle to
instantly identify which pitches were coming to the plate . . . and
illegally controlling Houston’s fate.
“Stow the drama, please! When it came to the laughably-widespread
steroids era, fans around the league carelessly cheered the
year-round homerun derby and seemed plenty at ease!” – you
understandably state. There was, indeed, an earlier band of cheats
who have experienced comparatively little public hate (outside the
shame of failing to gain entrance into the Baseball Hall of Fame – a
subject over which fans, prognosticators, and the “Baseball Writers
of America” continue to doggedly debate).
Mark McGwire, Alex Rodriguez, Rafael Palmeiro, Sammy Sosa, Rodger
Clemens, Barry Bonds, Manny Ramirez, and Juan Gonzalez among so,
sooooo many others (who would never, EVER admit to their alleged
juicing nor sell out their union brothers). And then – at or near
the top of this PED tree – there was Jose Canseco, the
self-proclaimed MLB “Godfather of Steroids” (complete with the
requisite ego). He remains the only (proud?) confessor of this group
who happily, understandably, and vindictively novelized page after
page of performance-enhancing poop.
EVERYONE in that steroidal sect (with – perhaps – a minimum goal of
lessening physical fatigues) had enough natural skill to achieve
“something” in the big leagues. The increased bat speed, the added
raw strength to turn a normally-wicked jam job into an
abnormally-successful base hit, the greater consistency and command
from pitch to pitch, and much faster recovery time between games (in
a sport built on so many hallowed individual records) unfortunately
made their reputations bleed.
"If you're not cheating, you're not trying (hard enough)." – Former
Chicago Cubs great Mark Grace.
"Mark [McGwire] and I, in '98, definitely we shocked the world." –
Sammy Sosa.
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- Few scandals – especially in professional sports – exist in a
(permanent) vacuum, and the deeper problem with such dishonorable
doings involves the unintended victims those actions can often
consume.
“But the players are the targets of the expected fanatical flap!
THEY will feel the maximum brunt of this crap! THEY are the
collective mark for all the game day catcalls, the high-and-tight
fast balls!” you obtusely exclaim (oblivious to the other human
beings who are usually kept a minimum safe distance just out of
frame).
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- The following scene from "The Fan" – a fictional film directed by
Tony Scott and starring Robert De Niro (as intense baseball fan Gil
Renard), Wesley Snipes (as star player Bobby Rayburn), and Ellen
Barkin (as popular sports radio talk show host Jewel Stern) –
exposes one possible, morbid truth of which only the most
willfully-ignorant would refuse to harken.
Gill calls into Jewel Stern’s radio show on the night of the final
big game, with their conversation putting The Tortured Cowboys Fan's
point into perfect frame.
Gil Renard: “This is gonna be one of the most amazing nights in the
history of the game, believe me. It's gonna be incredible.”
Jewel Stern: “Really? Why is that, Gil?”
Gil Renard: “I'm telling you, The Kirk Gibson homer, Ripkin breaking
Gehrig's record. Peanuts compared to tonight.”
Jewel Stern: “You're talkin' about some classic moments in baseball
history. Well, what's gonna happen tonight that could top those?”
Gil Renard: “Let's just say, Bobby Rayburn is in for the night of
his life.”
Jewel Stern: “Why's that, Gil?”
Gil Renard: “'Cause some people are ungrateful, and they
should be
taught a lesson.”
Filmgoers who have seen “The Fan” know that Gil had kidnapped
Rayburn’s son, among other fanatically-frustrated /
mentally-unstable / physically-threatening things he should not have
done.
“Wait – WHAT?! Are you REALLY trying to dog-whistle the downtrodden
or throw raw meat to otherwise-bored-to-tears stalkers?” you
shockingly question (perhaps not quite grasping a
naturally-occurring projection).
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- Consider –
for example – that a growing percentage of “We The
People” might prefer to pee in the porridge of a potently-paid,
purposely-pathetic politician in order to produce powerful proctological pain. If that willfully-ignorant politician repeatedly
refuses to acknowledge or fulfill his responsibilities (believing
voters to be no smarter than hillbillies), then continuing to allow
the poorly-performing status quo to remain the way to go would seem
insane.
Also consider – for example – that a COVID-confined cross-section of “We The Fans”
(perhaps outraged over the ever-increasing cost of enjoying – let
alone attending – a game) now view the Astros’ blatant cheating as
an unforgivable stain. Millions of average fans are not employed
under a high-paying, guaranteed contract, nor – following a campaign
of diabolical workplace dishonesty – would their reputations remain
intact. Few and far between may be fans like Gil Renard, but
increasingly-oblivious (?), shortcut-seeking players must be more
careful not to make the lives of their families and friends so
unnecessarily hard.
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- As with the current political environment (on top of a global
pandemic that threatens to extend society’s solitary confinement),
the greater sports nation (perhaps blinded by a
dreadfully-unquenched thirst for any, ANY kind of new-and-live
sports entertainment) blissfully continues to suffer a failure of
imagination.
Will They Or Won’t They?
Amazing natural abilities and resultant records – which were once
viewed by awe-struck fans as fantasy made reality – have (in part)
been steadily (self-)exposed as illusion. Everyone in the MLB (from
executives to ball boys) perpetuating the lie continue to
essentially be involved in league-wide “hope the fans forget about
it” collusion.
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- Speaking out gets you shut out. Remaining silent just encourages
more of a false environment.
In both cases, two facts remain the same:
1) The (dwindling number of?) untainted players who excel within
less-sexy-but-equally-effective “small ball” offenses (of advancing
the runner through a tried-and-true combination of opposite-field
hits and well-timed stolen bases without always looking to swing
away) – or who regularly show some good old-fashioned quick-twitch,
gold glove shine within all manner of defensive shift – will gain
greater and greater admiration among fans on game day who still want
“something honest” to fill baseball’s PED rift.
2) Cheating (in any purposely-planned, significantly-deceptive form)
for which you are despicably caught . . . brings unintended pain to
the doorstep of your family and friends (making your profitable
peril quickly appear for naught).
Players, their family, close friends, and even business associates
should not have to live in fear, but the need for more intelligent
choices by those players seems abundantly, embarrassingly clear.
Will players – in ALL pro sports – “magically” begin to adhere to
lower-risk, more natural, hustle-centric ways to win at all costs .
. . or will troubled souls like Gil Renard continue feeling
marginalized and potentially-triggered to accost? Yes, yes, before sportsbooks open the bidding, who are we kidding?
We shall see. We always do (especially with more in store from a
PART 2 for you).
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